Babycrack: That at-times irrational urge to procreate.
For some reason though, I can’t shake the urge that I want another baby! As crazy as my two drive me already, I miss the feeling of a newborn in my arms. I miss the kicking in my belly. Hell, I even long for the overwhelming sense of pride after labour.
But our life, my life, my state of mind, is no place for a new baby. Financially, we can’t afford it. Not the baby, but the time off work. Emotionally, I can’t afford it. I’m strung out as it is.
I swore after my Mum died that I was done with kids. I couldn’t imagine bringing a child into this world that wouldn’t get to meet his or her grandmother. Even as I said it at the time though, It broke my heart. Because it was true. I cannot see a world where my children don’t get to see my Mum’s face in person. But 4 was my number. 4 children. And I still want it.
It’s not what I need and it’s not what I want right now. But my goodness I want it! But I don’t want to want it!
Like a drug.
Maybe one day down the track I’ll be able to be ok with the fact that any more kids I have won’t meet my Mum. But later on down the track will mean the 2 children I have will be older, I’ll be older. Maybe much older by the time that day comes. And maybe by that time my window will be gone.
So for now, I’ll deal with my babycrack by soaking up every precious minute of time with the babies I already have.